In many communication training sessions, people talk about rapport. But Bart, what exactly is rapport?

Rapport; there isn’t really a direct synonym for it, as it is originally a loanword. It is used in many different languages: English, French, Dutch, German. To put it simply, rapport is a good communication relationship. It concerns the relational aspect where, through your communication, you create sufficient trust between both partners, which indeed leads others to open up for a meaningful conversation. So, it is about how you use your communication to establish trust.

Yes, establishing a connection with someone.

Yes, a real, genuine connection. Exactly.

And how do you do that?

There are actually many ways to do that. Look at a couple in love on a park bench; you will immediately see an example of very—well, unless they are arguing—but if they are looking into each other’s eyes lovingly, you have a beautiful example of how well rapport is functioning.

Because, what happens then?

Well, besides the hormones racing around, there are certain things they do. What you won’t see a couple in love do is one person turning completely away while the other is turned toward them. Or one person talking loudly and staccato with a lot of volume, passion, and fire, while the other speaks very poetically and slowly. You will see that they are, on many levels—both verbally and non-verbally—essentially on the same wavelength. That is one way you could explain it.

Aligning with each other.

Yes, exactly. And that is a continuous interplay, of course. It involves looking closely at what the other person needs, what they are doing at that moment, responding to that, and yes, you are essentially constantly fine-tuning that interplay with each other. And that can happen on many different levels.

But is that the ‘trick’ they often teach in communication training, that you have to imitate the other person?

Yes, you are quite right to call it a trick. Because that is often how it is viewed dismissively. A trick is, of course, just a trick; as long as it works well, it’s fine, but it must also be truly sincere and congruent. If you…

So you can’t fake it?

Well, you can; the true masters can fake a lot. Those who have mastered it so well—but what they are actually masters of is not so much the control of those techniques, but making it appear as authentic and congruent as possible.

They are just good actors?

They are fantastic actors in those moments. You will also see, for example, in courses like “how to seduce a woman”—I’ve never heard of “how to seduce a man,” so apparently men have a bit more need for that—the essence of that kind of training is always to teach those singles good rapport skills. Essentially, it’s about being able to have a good conversation that offers enough safety and trust for the other person to be receptive and eventually share something back.

But I can indeed learn skills that can then be used in a natural way?

Yes. Of course, from my perspective, if you simply apply a technique or a skill without it being anchored in a positive, sincere intention—a very pure intention toward the other person—then it doesn’t work.

Then it remains just a trick?

Yes. So if a representative says, “Yes, yes, I understand you,” you feel that immediately. He says it, so verbally he might be applying a trick of empathy, but beyond that, you feel with all your nerves and intuition that this is not sincere; it doesn’t come across as congruent and authentic. So in that sense, it is indeed about a number of things you can apply.

Now I am curious. Which skills are those?

There are an incredible number of them. You could literally give days of training just on rapport skills.

Well, we don’t have that much time today, so…

So I will put them into a few major categories. For example, you can build rapport verbally. Verbal communication in itself contains a lot. For instance, the content of the message. Suppose I give you a presentation; I want to make a certain proposal, and after my half-hour presentation, you say: “Yes, I don’t see it; I don’t see it, I really can’t form a picture of it.” And if I were to say at that moment: “But wait, that’s strange, don’t you feel your heart beating a bit faster when you hear me talking like this?” Then you are making two statements that are more visually oriented. So it could be that you have a visual preference in your language, while…

Because he says, “I don’t see it”?

I don’t see it, I have no image of it, I can’t form a picture… While on the other hand, I then respond with two very different… “Yes, didn’t you hear what I said? Don’t you feel your blood flowing a bit faster because you are passionate about my proposal?” But those are two completely different ones. Those concern auditory and kinesthetic stimuli. So, at that level alone, you can go incredibly far. Before you truly master hearing how someone else’s language patterns are structured and building rapport on a content level. You can also build rapport in other verbal ways. For example, by listening to how loudly that person is speaking. How fast are they talking? Is it staccato? Is it someone who speaks in a very thoughtful, slightly more reflective way with a voice that has dropped to a therapeutic low…

But does that mean I have to start talking like that too?

That can be a choice, to go along with that for a moment if you want to give me that trust. Imagine you are at a hotel reception, you put down your suitcase, you start checking in, you fill out all the documents, everything is settled, you get your room key, you look, and your suitcase has been stolen. At that moment, of course, in pure panic: “Where is my suitcase? My suitcase has been stolen!” Now imagine that at that moment, across the counter, there is someone who says: “We have form 478-B for that…” Well, you’d want to pin that person to the wall, because you…

On the other hand, it would also be strange if that hotel clerk started panicking along with you, and…

Well, and that can be a choice. That is in itself another communication technique: to go along with the other person for a moment and then bring them back to a state of calm. This is also what is taught to people who have to deal with aggressive customers. Not to respond in a very calm way with an almost flat voice, but to go along with them for a moment and then, at a certain point in the conversation, introduce the kind of confidence that “I am going to solve your problem. That is why I am now going to ask you a few questions.”

Whereby you then take the other person along with you?

Yes, you get them on board, because that is the interplay. Again, it’s about awareness. If you are not consciously in that relationship and not consciously going along with the rapport, then you cannot play with it. So, to be able to do that consciously—to be able to play with it, I mean—you have to be able to do it very deliberately. So that you see, “OK, this is happening. I need to go along for a moment and I’m going to bring him back to calmer waters.” And then the other person, who is likely going along unconsciously, will be easier to lead.

Fascinating, really.

It is incredibly beautiful to see how it all works, yes.

Are there any other things that we…?

Yes, you mentioned one yourself earlier: “OK, do I have to sit in exactly the same position?” Yes, I could look at you and say, “OK, your left leg must be hooked behind my right leg, and then I must also do it that way, and then I must also have my hands on that…” Well, it depends. I can perfectly well stay sitting this way, but we are both in a kind of relaxed posture, and then it doesn’t bother you that my hands are positioned differently than yours, or that my legs aren’t crossed. OK, you can perfectly well mirror it 100% exactly; but to the other person, that will often come across as “someone is trying to do something here.” And that is not the intention. So it’s about sitting in a similar way. Suppose I am leaning all the way back, with my feet practically on the bench next to you, while you are leaning all the way forward, very interested; then there will be little connection. And eventually, you will feel like, “Well, then I’ll just sit back a bit too.”

Well, I was just about to say. When you leaned back, I immediately felt the urge to lean back as well.

Yes, and that’s the beauty of it. That you actually get a very beautiful dance of communication, as it were. It’s quite impressive to see. And yes, it also has to do with mirror neurons. The way we very quickly observe and can predict the behaviors of others. That is also important for survival. If someone stood before us with a club, we could quickly see, “OK, is this person going to lower that club immediately and maybe we’ll reach a trade agreement, you a buffalo and I a sheep?”

Or is he going to strike and do I need to strike back quickly?

Yes, absolutely. And neurologically, we are somewhat wired in the brain to see how things are going, but very often that results in that kind of unconscious behavior.

And that also determines whether we feel at ease with someone or not?

Yes, feeling at ease, feeling sufficient trust, feeling safe, knowing “OK, I can indeed have a nice conversation with this person”… that’s right. Those are all things that play a role. So it can be verbal—the content of what you say and the way you say it—it can be non-verbal—the way we hold our bodies, etc. So these are all things that can play a role in our overall rapport. And there are many other possibilities to ensure that you feel so safe with me that you want to engage in a very good conversation with me.

Now, you said earlier that it’s a bit of playing with those techniques. If you are very consciously focused on that, doesn’t it become impossible to just have a natural, spontaneous conversation?

Yes, that’s true. Imagine if I were analyzing you completely right now and meanwhile especially…

Yes, I do feel watched now, yes.

Yes, I bet you do. So if I immediately look at your body language and I try to analyze your voice and also hear, content-wise, is she using slightly more visual language or slightly more auditory? Yes, then we’ll probably fail completely. Precisely because I am responding far too consciously to every possible thing. Now, we can also trust to some extent that we have a number of these capacities in-house… and that we only really need to start using them, or focus on them consciously, when we feel the conversation is getting stuck somewhere. There is a very nice example of a professor of sexology who is teaching at the university, and one of the students raises her hand and says: “Professor, may I go home?” And he looks and says: “Yes, young lady, why would you want to go home?” “Well,” she says, “honestly, I’m not interested in knowing that my uterus is inclined 18 degrees at the moment I’m ready to receive my boyfriend. I’ll never be able to enjoy sex again.” And actually—everyone was laughing at that moment, of course—and actually, that professor gave an answer that is completely in line with the answer to your question. He said: “Look, miss, when you are enjoying making love, there is one thing you especially should NOT do, and that is consciously think about everything that is going well.” And it’s exactly the same with a good conversation. If we are having a very good conversation, like now, then I don’t need to analyze you. But suppose I notice at some point that something changes in you or that things are getting a bit stiffer, then I can get a kind of alarm signal at that moment: “Oh, maybe I should look at one of the ways of rapport, maybe I am—as they say in beautiful English—mismatching somewhere.” Am I no longer in rapport with you, but doing something else? Or do I notice that you are mismatching in your rapport with me for a moment? Then it can be interesting to search for what could give us back that connection, that trust, that safety, and then respond to that. That is actually the intention.

OK, Bart, thank you. And you at home, thank you for watching.